Air filled with loneliness
by partnersandlovers
Summary: "Still so many unspoken words between them. The air was thick and filled with doubts, pain and loneliness." - Elliot left her and she's devastated. Are they able to fix their relationship?


**Air filled with loneliness**

It was a moment of sorrow and plain pain. Nothing else. Just the feeling of suffering a life no one deserved to live. It was no self pity, no being weak. It was the strongest person committing that tears are a sign of strength. That fighting and working and struggling and failing had to come down sometime. That was the hard truth even though she never wanted to admit it. She was only human, not superwoman. She had emotions and she felt pain, lots of them. That was the reason why she was standing there. In front of his door, soaking wet from the snow and the rain, cold and shivering. She didn't know what to do and why she even was there. The fought an inner battle.

Walk away?

Knock on the door?

Never coming back?

She stood there. Two minutes. Seven minutes. Thirteen Minutes. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she wasn't able to hear anything else as the noises from her hard breathing and the blood that was pumping in her veins. She was angry with herself. She swore herself to never come here again. Not after everything that had happened. But now she was standing here. Part of her wanting to run away, part of her wanting to go in there and finally finding some sort of happiness again.

Another six minutes passed. She turned around, wanted to move back to her car to drive home. She was frozen, her lips where blue and she couldn't feel her feet or hands.

"Olivia?" she heard and suddenly she was frozen in place again. She stood with her back to him, ready to walk away. She closed her eyes. She couldn't believe hearing his voice again. Four months. Four damn fucking moths of calling him but never getting an answer. And now as she decided to move on, to finally be able to live without him, he talked to her. It needed a ride to his place to realize that she couldn't suffer anymore. With or without him. She tried to take a deep breath, but it wasn't working. The cold air hit her lungs like razor blades.

"Liv", she heard again. His voice was soft and familiar and she missed it terribly. Without realizing it a tear ran down her face just by hearing his voice. Why could he do this to her. No one ever had the power to make her this powerless. Her lip was shivering but she turned around to him. Opening her eyes she was completely faced to him. His eyes met hers. He didn't smile, neither did she. He actually looked touched and a little bit sad. She didn't know what to say because she didn't expect to really see him.

"You want to come in?", he almost whispered. "You must be freezing." She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth but still followed him inside.

Slowly she walked into his apartment and he already handed her a soft towel to dry of.

"It was a mistake to come here, Elliot. I should.. really go", she said after five minutes of just standing in his hallway together, not talking.

"No, don't go", he said suddenly. "I'm... I'm happy you came her... I mi... I'm just glad to see you". They were helpless, didn't know what to do. It was like after she went undercover in Oregon and they saw each other for the first time. So much unspoken feelings and conflicts between them. She looked to the ground and he watched her. She was still shivering and pale.

"You need to get out of that clothes", he said and walked away. She looked up and her eyes followed him moving away. Wondering what he was doing. He came back, holing sweat pants and a gray hoodie in his hands. _The_ gray hoodie. She couldn't help the tiniest smile to appear on her face. She borrowed this hoodie dozens of times. He handed her his clothes and she took them. "You want something to drink? Beer, water, tea?". She looked into his eyes now and saw how uncomfortable he was. It was a risky situation for both of them. This day could save their friendship or ruin it forever. She nooded.  
>"Tea would be nice if it's not too much circumstances. I'm really cold". He gave her a small smile and moved into the kitchen while she went into the bathroom to change into dry clothes.<p>

She met him in the living room a few minutes later, to steaming cups already on the table in front of the couch. She sat down next to him but with enough space between them. There hung a silence between them. Not really awkward but not comfortable either. They didn't know how to start, what to say, where this day would lead.

So it wouldn't seem like they didn't have anything to talk about she took the mug and sipped on her tea.

"Listen", he suddenly said. She looked up and into his eyes; not quite sure what she saw in them and what he wanted to tell her now. That she had to go, that he didn't want to see her and that's why he didn't call in such a long time. Instead of doing so he surprised her. "I understand that you're mad. I disappointed you and if you want to scream at me, just do it. Because I can't stand the silence". She was shocked and for a split moment she wondered if he was on drugs. Those words out of his mouth. That wasn't him, not the way she used to know him.

"I... I", she started, didn't know where to start and what exactly to ask him. "I'm not mad, I...", she was lying. She was mad, she was furious in her inner.

"You are mad and you should be", he interrupted her.

"I just can't understand why you didn't answer any of my calls. Was it too hard?"

"I need to figure things out, to get my life back together".

"It's been four month, Elliot! And you didn't even call, once. Damn it, I was so worried about you!", she almost screamed, putting her mug back on the table glaring at him. He was calm. That was not like him.

"Kathy left me again. She's been in another relationship the last few month of out marriage", he tried to explain.

"I know that, I've heard the rumors in the hallway of the precinct".

"Liv, let me explain please. It's so much more than you think", he started and she shook her head, looking to her hands.

"That's not you, Elliot. Not talking to me, and now sitting here. You're so calm and balanced", she sad sadly.

"I've changed. I couldn't deal with the fact that I shot a girl, Olivia. I still can't. I couldn't stay at SVU".

"And I understand that, but that's not the point. You left without talking to me".

"I've been to therapy the last two months, Liv", he confessed. She didn't know what to say. Elliot always was the last one to visit a shrink. He didn't believe in the power of talking.

"And it's helping. I get my rage under control. You might think I'm different now, but I'm still the same. I just changed for the better. I'm still me", he wanted to reach out and put his hand on her arm, but he couldn't. Still so many unspoken words between them. The air was thick and filled with doubts, pain and loneliness. She wanted to believe him so badly, to know that he was still her best friend that they could survive everything together. They've been trough so much but still managed to stick together.

"I'm glad... glad you're getting better and that you see someone. I just wish... I would have been there for you, Elliot. Why didn't you talk to me?", she asked and couldn't help her eyes to fill with tears. She didn't want to seem weak but on the other hand she didn't really care anymore. It was a life or death situation of their friendship.

"I realized how badly I treated you the last years. I needed to do this on my own".

"You didn't treat me bad, Elliot", she said shocked. Why would he say something like this?

"Olivia, I did. And if you didn't realize, it's worse than I think. I put you through so much pain, then I pushed you away. And the worst thing is I wasn't there when you needed me. I regret that, now. And I promised myself to not be a burden anymore. I wanted to get my life back together. I needed to do that... to apologize to you", he told her. She couldn't say, couldn't move. A lone tear ran down her face. Over her cheek, hit the bottom of her lip and finally fell down her chin onto her hand. "But I guess, this wasn't a good decision, either. I should have talked to you."

"You should have", she said, her eyes moving from his eyes all over his face, to the little wrinkles on his eyes, his nose, his lips, his shaved chin, the little hair on his head. "I missed you", she finally said. No more. Just those three words that meant everything.

"I missed you, too", he said and caused her smile a little sad smile. She reached out and took his hand, their fingers intermingled, looking into each other eyes.

"We'll be okay", she said.


End file.
